Fall 1997 Volume 2Number 4

The day Ray Ledbetter's wife, Elaine, was scheduled for a breast biopsy, Ledbetter, a Central Point science teacher, became so sick he was useless to her. "I was tremendously ill," he remembers. "I managed to drive her to the hospital, but then I went home to bed. I couldn't be there for her at all. I had stuffed my emotions. I was very worried and we hadn't talked. I know it made me ill."

Ledbetter's story doesn't surprise Scott Sonenshine, nurse manager of Rogue Valley Medical Center's Mental Health Services. "I've seen it before," explains Sonenshine. "The wife receives a bad diagnosis, and the next thing the husband is sick-or even has a heart attack. Stress and pent-up emotions make people ill. And many men still believe that being strong means holding back emotion."

Ledbetter is feeling better now. His wife's illness was the catalyst that Ledbetter says opened him to deeper communication, emotional connection and spirituality. Participating with his wife in a cancer support group, Caring and Sharing, was life changing, he says.

"Our life is much enriched," explains Ledbetter. "We are closer than we've ever been. We're living more for today. For me I see a real turnaround."

It may have taken a crisis to alert Ledbetter to the gratification of open emotional and spiritual communication, but it is something many American men have been moving toward for the past three decades.

"I liken the change in men to the crumbling of the Berlin Wall," says Joe McMahan, director of Pastoral Care at Rogue Valley Medical Center. "Slowly, bit by bit, the traditional male model as the distant and strong protector and provider is changing. Men have been isolated culturally, spiritually and socially for a very long time. Now we're seeing more openness, and that will make a huge difference in men's health and in their ability to be better dads, better friends and better mates."

With the transforming effect of the women's movement, men were bound to change-and in more ways than one. Polls show that people of all ages, from all parts of the country, hold a strong conviction that domestic life should be more democratic, and not just in dual-earning families. There is a growing desire on the part of many men to participate more fully in the day-to-day responsibilities of family care. And the mythical "organization man" who was once admired for putting job before family is no longer commended for his devotion to work. The trend toward equality, open communication and respect between the sexes continues, and men are a lot better off as a result, says Sonenshine.

As a single father and the only male nurse manager at Rogue Valley Medical Center, Sonenshine says he's proud of the nurturing, intuitive side of his personality, just as many women are proud of developing traits once considered solely masculine.

"It is now OK culturally for men to show feelings and be softer," Sonenshine reflects. "I think men have less of a need to be seen as macho."

• Words of affirmation can make all the difference to a child. Saying, "You did a good job" or "You are a wonderful kid!" boosts self-esteem and builds emotional bonds.
• Acts of service performed for your child and with your child teach children to be giving and generous.
• Gift giving doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive; for some children even token gifts say "I love you" like nothing else.
• Physical touch is important to children, as it is to people of all ages. Showing affection by hugging, hand holding, putting an arm around a shoulder or other nonsexual touching helps make children feel safe and loved.
• There is no substitute for time spent with your child.